This year I want to grow closer to you. I am so thankful that you are my Abba Father, and that you desire to be close to me.
It’s been a year since our first foster placement came home to us. It’s been over a year since I’ve posted on my blog site. What happened? Why did my search for answers and guidance and comfort stop when our little girl came into our lives? I mean aside from the fact that all of a sudden my days were busier: changing diapers, driving to doctor appointments, meeting with social workers, and stocking up on mac-n-cheese.
Looking back on my blog posts during our licensing process, I remember the desperation and anticipation in which I was immersed. I admit if I really search my soul, I may have felt closer to God a year ago than I do now. Maybe once we got our placement, I felt satisfied. My prayer work was done, and my search for the answer to a full life was over. We did it: we listened to our pastor, we prayed, we followed Jesus, and we obeyed, and now it’s complete. Not so much.
After we had our little girl for about a month, our son came home from college for a long weekend. He confirmed everything I was thinking, “Wow Mom, I have never seen our family so happy. You and Dad are doing great. The girls are happy, and our new little sister is amazing.” I felt like something was accomplished, completed, and settled. What else could I ever need? What else could God ever want from me?
But as our journey with our foster child was getting more and more awesome, I eventually noticed my soul was feeling more and more empty. My heart was/is idle. I wasn’t joyful, I wasn’t engaged, I started to focus in on the difficult sides to our fostering experience.
I guess it took a year for the answer to “what else could God want from me?” to be revealed: He wants me to be close to Him. Always. In happy times, desperate times, sad times, hard times, victorious times, and yes, the “I got this” times. Thank you, Jesus for rescuing me from slipping away. I will never ever forget this Christmas, 2015. Because our new daughter was with us, and because my focus on you was renewed and refreshed.
The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth.
Psalm 145:18 NKJV